Lovin’ The Skin You’re In: Shout It Out, Sister, Loud and Proud

As a big, curvy woman, living in a thin obsessed society, it’s no doubt that you’ll often find yourself the target of people’s fat phobic ridicule. Whether you’ve known them forever or just met these trash talkin’ diet lovin’ fat chick body haters recently, it’s up to you to teach people how you want to be treated, and remember it’s never too late.

Here I want to share a few tips that I shared to respond to a reader’s question wanting to know what to do about the seemingly fat phobic new guy she’s been dating.

Question: I’ve been on a few dates with a guy I met on a dating site. We’re not exclusive or anything, and he’s kind of fun to be with. But almost from the beginning of our relationship, he’s been critical of my appearance, particularly my weight. He’s always making little comments about how thin people behave or remarking on how much better my clothes would fit if I’d join a gym and shed a few pounds. What’s really funny is that he has a bit of a belly and love handles, but I don’t mind stuff like that. The other night at dinner, he actually asked if I should be eating a salad instead of hamburger! I really liked him at first, but these comments are getting old fast. Should I stick it out and let him get to know me and see if he’ll accept me the way that I am?

Andrea: Here’s what I’ve learned over about a million years of dealing with fat phobic peeps who are often creeps -We teach people how to treat us. Taking that into consideration, give this guy a break and look at him as a blank canvas. First let me say that it’s a well known fact that it’s not easy to change people, but since this person doesn’t really know you, you’re really just setting the ground rules.

Just like an untrained puppy, if you don’t teach him that peeing on your sofa is not okay, he’ll go ahead and do it because he knows he can. If you haven’t actually stepped up and told this guy that you’re not okay with his comments, and you don’t appreciate having him piss all over you, then consider giving him the benefit of the doubt. If you’re truly comfortable lovin’ the skin you’re in, then you’ve just got to make it clear to him. Tell him that this is who you are. No apologies. No excuses. No regrets-just you lovin’ yourself, right now as you are.

As with all of us, he’s developed his beliefs by what he’s learned from his experience. His behavior is most likely the product of a man who was raised to value women based on how they look. Whether that came from hearing his sisters or mom hating on themselves for being overweight, or being a guy who is just insecure around women, or one who just does not like curvy women in general, that’s up to you to find out if he’s worth the time and trouble to retrain.

My suggestion is to take the bull(y) by the horns and initiate a conversation letting him know immediately how you feel, what you expect from him and what you are willing to accept and what your deal breakers are. Then based on how that conversation goes, and then what follows, that will tell you everything you need to know.

I’ve got to tell you when I made the decision to love my thighs at any size, and stop dieting everything changed in my life. That’s when my confidence really started to soar, and yours can too.

Hey gals, as you probably know, I’m all about self-esteem and teaching women how to love and respect themselves more. if you want more support standing up and feeling the love for your body and shouting it out to the world, I’ve just created a new Facebook group for women. It’s all about the importance of embracing ourselves as we are right now. Empowerment from the inside-out. Lots of great conversations going on here.



Comments (3)

  1. WHAT?! Give him a break? You expect someone to take time out of their lives in order to “train” someone? NO. Girl–if he doesn’t love you the way that you are–someone else WILL. You can’t change someone if they don’t want to be changed. They have to WANT it. Take this like an alcoholic. You can tell them time and time again what their behavior and actions are doing to you–but in the end–it is up to THEM if they want to change. You can give them all the advice you want, but don’t take time out of your own life in order to train someone. You deserve so much more than that.

  2. Hey Kris,

    With all due respect, I totally disagree with you. If you’re going to be so bull-headed and automatically dismiss everyone who doesn’t love you right away, then you’re going to be pretty lonely.

    All I’m saying is talk to the guy and tell him where you’re coming from. If he’s still not that into you, cut him loose.

  3. Kris, I see where you’re coming from and I get it. On the other hand, I agree with Chris you need to clarify your boundaries first. Sometimes we don’t know that we are hurt other people, doing this the wrong way, or being less effective than we have the potential to be. Humans are not mind readers. I mean isn’t that the point of constructive criticism, performance reviews, open communication, and even self reflection? If the woman likes this guy except for his weight comments then I think she needs to speak up and have a conversation about it. His response can determine her decision from there. Interpretation is a tricky thing, he might very well think that he is helping her; giving her suggestions to improve her health. Until further discussion is had, no one knows HIS interpretation of his comments.

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