Dear KeKe: The War Begins in the Mind

Previously published in the April 2017 issue of CURVY Magazine

This ISSUE: The war begins in the mind


 

You don’t know me but, hello, my name is LuChonna. I believe the Lord just led me to your page at just the right time. I know you probably heard similar things that I am about to say but I’ll try to keep it short. First of all, I just want to say that from what I have read so far, you and your girls are my heros. People don’t understand how hard it is to be a big girl in this world. The pressures you go through and the hurt and pain. I feel like I am all-alone, but reading your page has made me feel like someone else at least understands what I go through and has overcome.

Right now, the enemy is really fighting me hard and your strength and confidence is really encouraging to me. I have never really had too many relationships with men in my life that love and respect me and it has caused me to have very low self-esteem. It has gotten so bad that sometimes I am afraid to look in a mirror because I feel like I am so ugly because no one wants to love me and treat me right. I seem to attract guys that think that I am just a sexual object, like I am not worth loving and having a real relationship with. I have even ran into guys who say they care about me and want a deep relationship with me and when I say that I want to save sex for marriage, they run. I am dealing with that right now and it sucks. I don’t understand why men think they can play with our heads, lie to us and string us along just to get the booty and when we don’t give it up, they just drop and dog us and are not even man enough to be straight up and tell us why. And that is only some of the drama I have dealt with.

 

But seeing a beautiful, strong, successful and determined female like yourself is so encouraging to me. I know God has put me here with a purpose but sometimes life just gets me so down that I just want to give up and end it all. I try to stay strong and move forward but it is hard. I don’t know how you do it but you do it well from what I can see. I am trying to bust my butt and finish school right now so I can be independent and successful so I can bless other people and it feels so good to see a sister like yourself who is getting all that God has for her out of life like I want to for my self. Being a black successful woman in this world is hard because we have two strikes against us right, being black and being women. We have to work twice as hard to and white don’t seem to realize and acknowledge that. Instead, they want to say we got where we are through affirmative action and then they stereotype us and think the only thing we are capable of doing is having babies and living on welfare. The field I am pursuing (Computer Science) is not the traditional black women’s field and a lot of people have made sure I know that but I am determined to do my thing anyway.

Thanks also for being an awesome example for women like me. You have really made my day and I know God has used you to lift my head. God bless you and all your girls because God knows that big woman are not exactly glorified in our society and that makes life hard. It feels good to know that I have a place I can go to now and see great women that look like me surviving and living happy. Women like you make it look so easy that I can’t help but be inspired and have so much hope. I love ya’ll so much and I don’t even know you.

God bless you,

 

Your New Friend,

LuChonna

 

 

Dear LuChonna, 

You are such a inspiration to me! Thank you for being brave enough to reach out to me and share a part of your soul with me. I say a part because you are not the sum of the digits on your scale, nor the problems associate with it. Also, thank you for the acknowledgement and compliments on my staff. I am surrounded by phenomenally talented and amazing women who make me better. It takes an entire village to raise a KeKe.

You touched on some many different plights, but they all have the same solution–winning the battle inside your mind. Better self-esteem starts within. I may seem very confident, but I still have my own little insecurities. I just don’t let them consume my thoughts. I wake up every day telling myself I’m beautiful, I’m amazing, and I deserve nothing less than the best. No, seriously I TALK to myself all the time. I tell myself all the things I need to hear and then I surround myself with reinforcements. SELF-esteem is about nobody else but YOURself. If you feel like you have low self-esteem, it’s because you are allowing yourself to feel low. Take your own power back and stop allowing people to dictate how you feel about yourself. Here are few ways you can win the battle within your own mind.

AFFIRMATIONS

Talk to yourself how you wish others spoke to you. How you treat yourself ultimately is the blueprint that others will eventually follow. It does not matter if you are in the shower, in the office, at church, at school, in the grocery store, or most importantly, looking at yourself in the mirror, say everything you need to hear. I cannot tell you the words to say because only you know deep down what validation you seek to hear. You can start with ‘‘I deserve better,’’ ‘‘I am beautiful,’’ or, as plus size rapper Mz. 007 says, ‘‘Bitch, I’m gorgeous.’’ Whatever works for you! But, start repeating these affirmations to yourself everyday, all throughout the day. It takes 30 days to form a habit so make a commitment for 30 days to go over your affirmations every single day. The easiest way to get started is by adding your affirmations to your daily prayer. If you are a Christian, then God says you are made in his image. Therefore, you are already a Goddess, so don’t feel too crazy to pray to yourself! It is your right!

BE YOUR OWN HYPE MAN

Since positive self-esteem is a journey of ones’ self, you may need to put up your own signs along the road as reminders to your affirmations. Simple shifts in what you see, hear, and feel could make a world of a difference to your self-esteem. Let’s start with visuals. Before I moved to New York City, I had my affirmations all over my house. Vision boards, motivational wall art, special prayers, and lists of what I wanted for myself taped to the refrigerator. I also bought t-shirts with motivational sayings. My Internet life reflected the same because I started following motivational speakers, watched motivational videos on YouTube, and saved every meme that inspired me. I changed what I heard by putting negative people out of my life. When it came to family, the ones that didn’t believe in me, I just spoke to them less. Men who were not treating me like the Queen that I am got dumped at the first sign. People who do not make you feel good when you are around them do not serve a purpose in your life.

CONFIDENCE IS POWER

Here’s a secret. Whether you’re a size 2 or 22, men love women with confidence. A well put-together woman with confidence will grab a man’s attention and if you are a big girl with ‘‘swag’’ you get extra points because most aren’t expecting your pimp game to be that strong. You attract what you give out. If you project confidence and that you are a no-nonsense girl, you will attract a man who will respect it and find it sexy. The opposite will happen if you are projecting low self-esteem. Men can only treat you how you allow. Be confident, trust your instincts, and don’t doubt yourself when it comes to men. Most women know almost from day one what the man is about.

Always an ear to listen! | Editor in Chief 

 

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One comment

  1. KeKe: There are plenty of men out here who love curvy women. Don’t give up. Jim Willgruber

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