My husband and I have been married for a little of a year now. As much I love him, I feel our sex-life has come to a complete halt.
We never have sex.
We communicate great and have healthy conversations about our days, work, and friends. We cuddle, kiss, and hold hands. We even have date nights, I work nights and he works days. The emotions are there, but the physical interaction isn’t. I really wish we would have sex more often, instead of once every 3 or 4 months… I can’t remember the last time we really had an intimate moment. He used to be wild and fun… now I feel like we’re two old fuddy-duddies, and I’m at a complete loss. I’m 26 and he’s 29, so age isn’t an issue… or I hope not. He used to have a lot of partners in the past, while he was my second partner…. ever. It seems not long after he said he “loved” me, even before he proposed, our sex life has diminished. I’m not sure if he associates sex differently than I do or what. I know he isn’t cheating on me because he seems to be at loss of why too, and I trust him… and it would be pretty obvious, he’s not a very good house keeper…seriously. He just is never in the mood. We make “playful” gestures but nothing goes beyond that, just cuddling, then sleep.
I fear I am being selfish and that maybe this is normal for some married couples? You know being part of those Americans that have sexless marriages. I seriously could use some advice outside my circle of friends whom seem to think I should have an affair or lay down the law. I want to make sense and reason with what is happening and how we can fix it before it damages our marriage completely.
-Yearns for a healthy sex life
Dear Yearns For A Healthy Sex Life,
I’m sorry to hear that so early in your marriage you’re having this issue. It definitely is a problem, but can indeed be worked out.
The first thing I would tell you to do is try not to get frustrated with one another and argue about it. That can just make things more difficult (I know it’s easier said than done). There are a few questions that can be asked that weren’t answered in your letter, like; is he currently taking any medications? Is there any stress at work? Both these things can have a huge effect on sexual desire.
No, you’re not being selfish at all. Everyone wants love and intimacy in their relationships. Even though there are a high number of sexless marriages, there is no reason why yours has to be among that number, especially this early in the game.
I also noticed in the letter you said that you said that you both work opposite hours. This can be a problem in any relationship. I know you have probably heard all the suggestions, like; plan date nights and buy sexy clothes, etc. Honestly, this sounds like you guys need something a little deeper. There is obviously some level of miscommunication here. I am seriously suggesting that you both seek out counseling. Professional counseling. Which, (I’m about to honest with you here), should have been done BEFORE you got married. You said that all this started before you guys even said, “I Do”. If this was an issue before the nuptials, there is no way you guys should have proceeded with things the way they were.
You also said he said he “loved” you. This further indicates a need for a professional. Why don’t you believe he loves you? Outside of him saying he doesn’t or him plainly acting like he hates you, (and from this letter it doesn’t sound like any of that is going on), don’t question or test his love for you. That is a sure way to make things worse.
Now lastly, lets talk about these friends of yours. I’m just going to be blunt with you. No real friend is going to encourage you to cheat on your husband. Point blank. A real friend will listen to you and try to help you figure a way to possibly save your family rather than cause even more problems. Not trying to down your gal-pals, but you may need to check them on that.
Good luck to you!
Vonda Howard is the author of four novels, including the widely popular, D-Cup Dives Series that features sexy, and confident plus sized women. She is also the Editor-In-Chief of Black Literature Magazine. She also enjoys appletinis, gummy bears, Chipotle and all things filled with glitter and sparkles.