This tends to be a touchy subject and I know I’m about to step on some major toes, but I heard a song named “Letter to My Son” over the holiday weekend and it prompted me to really want to write this article. Now, before I get into what I need to say, I need to let you know that I have also had first hand experience when a man very close to me (I won’t get specific) that was dealing with a crazy and desperate “baby mamma”. I even wrote my second book, “It’s Always the Pretty Ones” around the whole experience. I also need to state that I am in no way trying to demonize single moms. I have quite a few friends that are sensible, beautiful, smart and responsible single moms that take care of their kids despite the challenge of not getting any support from their families or the child’s father.
Now that all that is out of the way, let’s get into this. Like I said before, I have first hand knowledge of what an insane “Baby Mama” can do to your life and family. Don’t get me wrong; I know there are plenty of low down guys out there that shirk out on their duties as men and fathers. I’m talking about the decent ones that get abused by women that have lost their scruples.
Stop using your child as a bargaining chip!
This tends to be the most widely used tactic. Okay… the relationship between the two of you didn’t work out, where in that issue does your child pay for that? Regardless of the feelings you have (or don’t have) for one another, your little one deserves to be able to spend equal time with both his parents. If he is paying child support, or trying to put time in…LET HIM! You standing in the way of his having a relationship with his kids scream desperation and is basically…pathetic. So, cut it out!
Child support payments are for just that…. CHILD SUPPORT.
Child support is meant to go to anything that pertains to the care and welfare of the child and where the child resides. This means food, rent/mortgage, clothing, utilities, car payments, insurance, doctor visits, etc. It DOES NOT include, that new Indian lace front, the new Coach bag, those cute boots at Macy’s, drinks at the club, or gas money for your new Boo, “Mookie”. The way you can get money for all those personal things is in the next tip….
Child Support is not meant to support YOU.
Yes, you are the child’s mother, not the child. Child support is meant to be supplementary to your income. Unless you are disabled in some way there is no excuse. I get it, times are hard right now and the employment market is a bit funky, but I have witnessed women that spit on working at McDonalds, or Walmart. Why? It’s work! There is nothing better than the feeling of that paycheck you EARNED on your own. It’s liberating!
I also get the whole daycare expense. It is extremely expensive to find childcare that isn’t the equivalent to a mortgage; I have kids of my own, trust me…I know. I also know and have had friends use the many different resources the state and government offers to assist with childcare, not to mention family and friends. Pride and ego have to go out the window. How about using some of your talents and starting your own business? How about going to school? Just do something to grab some independence for yourself.
Real talk for a second…if you are finding it difficult to support baby number one: don’t have two, three and four. I’m just saying.
Terrorizing his family, friends and him will NOT get you what you want. What it will get you, however, is a restraining order.
Listen here… I get that you’re angry with him. Whether you may be completely justified or not, stop taking it out on his family and friends! They DO NOT want you calling them, texting them, showing up at their houses, defacing their property, and making a general ass of yourself around them. Honestly, it just reflects badly on YOU. Disrespecting and stalking his loved ones will not get you any closer to what you want.
Stop bad mouthing him to his kids!
Seriously? Regardless of the man he is or isn’t, YOU should NEVER utter one bad word about him to the kids; if he is a deadbeat loser, I guarantee you that the kids will figure that out on their own. Doing that kind of thing almost always backfires on you later on. Especially, if what you are telling them isn’t the truth. Your best bet is to keep any anger or disdain between you and him. The kids should never know what is going on between the two of you.
Having said all this, I remind you that I am not speaking about every single mom. I am speaking to all the crazy, unreasonable, petty and misguided ones. What needs to be remembered that in these situations, the most important thing is the safety and welfare of the children. If he’s a deadbeat, take his ass to court and ring him dry. If you can’t find him or if he is paying and still won’t take a role in his kids lives, do you really want someone like that around anyway?
Vonda Howard is the author of four novels, including the widely popular, D-Cup Dives Series that features sexy, and confident plus sized women. She is also the Editor-In-Chief of Black Literature Magazine. She also enjoys appletinis, gummy bears, Chipotle and all things filled with glitter and sparkles.