The answer was no. No, you didn’t get it. No it wasn’t approved, again. No, not yet. Not this time. No, it didn’t work out. No, they didn’t want you.
It stings and at times brings with it the opportunity to watch what you had wanted for yourself being given to someone else. Can you (genuinely) be happy for a friend or colleague who gets what you wanted while nursing your own wound? Only your unspoken thoughts honestly answers that.
You stepped forward, you opened up, you took a chance, gave it all you had but it didn’t want you. Personally. Professionally. The ego hurts just the same and is bruised. There was someone better than you anger taunts, and the competitor in you wants to know what makes them the chosen, why them and not me, how could this be.
The dams overflow and with the current comes a lie as a thought that you weren’t good enough, followed by another that you’re not as good as you thought you were, followed by the burst of the insecurities you once had tucked away. Its because of this, or that, or all of the above. You want to know why, but the ‘why’ that makes it all make sense. You breakdown, get angry, breakdown some more, unravel, put on pj’s, grab ben & jerry’s and before you know it its empty. And so are you.
The picture perfectly placed in a custom design frame has fallen and shatters in a million little pieces. The image you held close destroyed in a few minutes. When the illusion you designed it to be didn’t quite match up, your addiction to how the story was in your mind had you refuse to accept anything other than the version you had written. Very few things in life ever ‘just happen’ without a slight rumble of what’s to come but the drug denial ever potent keeps our hopes high on the ‘dream’.
Reality our forever friend, always comes to the rescue.
The clichés pour in. It’s all for your good. It wasn’t for you. One day you’ll look back at this and smile. Days from now you won’t even remember this. You’re not yet ready to grow into that acceptance and it’s perfectly healthy to allow how you feel to be felt. You offered life your fixed plan – that perfect image of the way things will be, and it didn’t deliver when and what you hoped it would.
In time, a few chapters ahead, you can look back and judge for yourself whether or not your life was made better or worse from this moment when you didn’t get what you thought you really wanted. I know. You wanted to win, you wanted it to work. And what I have seen is, even in the ‘no’s’ it does.
What I know to be true is that there often comes a day when peace reveals that when and what you appeared to loose, wasn’t a loss. Often, you didn’t go back to pick up the frame and broken pieces and try to glue it back together as some endings in life are final. You began again with dreams of the big picture of your life before you to conquer and growth from the lessons well learned. A clean slate believing that anything is possible. You remain open and vulnerable to endless possibilities, and smile again with life. You were with me all along, your dimples say. Guiding me when I thought it was me leading the way. When I refused to listen or let go, you pulled the rug, turned the page and started a new chapter. Gave me the brushes to paint and a new pen to write and knew in time I would let go, understand and accept. My self-programmed ideas on how things should have gone now a thing of the past.
I understand what I do not know as I’ve given up the need to have the answers. Peace brings me to a place where I begin again and again. And again. Rejection I have come to know as the builder of my pillars of resilience through which the muscle of perseverance is best developed. My ego says give up, but something louder says Keep Going.