“I’ve never loved anyone the way I’ve loved myself.” Mae West
It was official, Mr. Hoppy was dead. Now, before you get all sullen, know that Mr. Hoppy was not a cuddly, mass populating lagomorph (that’s rabbit to y’all); it was my favorite sex toy. It rotated, vibed, wiggled, swirled and provide almost as much pleasure as my partner. But alas, like all good sales, it’s time came to an end. So, after a brief but loin-felt brown bag burial, I was set to find its successor.
My talent search led me to one of my favorite toy stores. Upon entrance, I was greeted by one of my favorite sales associates. After a ‘Hey-girl-where-have-you-been’ session with her a few of the others folks, I addressed my need. Sadly, Mr. Hoppy’s clones were out of stock and I was forced to step outside of my box and risk carnal dissatisfaction with another Duracell powered pet. I asked for some suggestions and was guided to a seemingly harmless looking box. It was pearlized and glossy, just enough shine and sparkle to catch my attention, but its contents are what held them.
Now, it is here that I should mention that my fallen hare was a swimmer and I mean Mr. Hoppy could backstroke like no one’s business…but I continue. All I wanted was the same make and model, maybe a different color, but oh my! You see, the shiny box was a tester—you could turn IT on, not yourself—and as I picked up the box, my thumb hit the switch. Ladies, ladies, ladies: envision a gross of cell phones set on vibrate; simultaneously ringing in your front pocket while you’re sitting on a Maytag during spin cycle. That was just on volume 2, intensity 2!!
After that test drive, the only thing I needed to see was an unopened Rabbit Habit and the clerk ringing up my purchase. Eighty five dollars and a couple four-packs of super powered AA’s later and I was en route to one of my best one woman shows. Believe me, the sequel is even better. So I leave you with an excerpt from my performance, homage to the great orator Elmer Fudd: I wuuuvvv the waaabbittt!!!!