“Not tonight, honey. I have a headache” How many times have you used that very phrase or some other variation on that theme, as a sneaky way of getting out of being intimate or having sex? Not tonight, honey,… ! I’ll bet dollars to donuts we’ve all said that and can relate to not being in the mood, feeling pressured, and not being up to it. But what happens when, “Not tonight, honey” becomes your mantra?
Energetically speaking, having a lack of desire for sex means that something is out of balance and your energy is not in alignment. In her book, “The Good Girl’s Guide to Bad Girl Sex: An Indispensable Guide to Pleasure and Seduction, author and Ph.D., Barbara Keesling, says, “ it is important that you start viewing your sexual appetite similarly to your physical appetite. Your sexual hunger is as natural as your physical hunger. Your sexual hunger is an innate part of who you are as a human being.” Do you apologize for being hungry or having an appetite and wanting to eat to survive? Most likely not, because you recognize that you have to eat to live, and as we already know, food is a huge source of pleasure, but many times we feel inhibited by our sexual appetite.
How many guys do you know who apologize for being horny? Probably not a single one. In fact a guy who says that he needs sex more often, is often considered a “stud” by his buddies and admired and respected, yet a woman who makes the same claim is considered a slut or a freak, especially if she’s married.
Dr. Keesling says, “Can you die from not having Bad Girl sex? Not exactly, but every time you have sex and you know it isn’t as hot, as horny, as “bad” as you know it could be, I believe a little piece of you fades away. Your sexual hunger, vitality, and fulfillment are crucial contributors to your existing as a fully alive, fully functioning, and fully realized woman. So I ask you again: What’s stopping you? What’s getting in your way? Why aren’t you comfortable being just a little bit more “Bad?”
Could Being More Bad Actually Be Good?
According to relationship expert, Marcia Martin, most women in the United States have grown up a little prudish, a little conservative, fearing their sexuality, judging women who like sex as “bad girls.” We cover ourselves up. We don’t talk about it. We pretend it doesn’t happen. “ In places like Europe, the Netherlands, South America, girls are brought up to know that sex is a good thing and being sexy is part of being a woman. In these countries, the women recognize and revel in the knowledge that they’re sexy. They love to flirt, tease, laugh and play with men. They don’t try to hide the fact that they’re sexy or that they want something.
If the idea of having more sex and being more sexual gets you just about as hot and bothered as a trip to the dentist, then I’ll encourage you to put on your detective hat and find out what makes you feel that way. Think about what pops up for you when you think of enjoying more sex and being what Keesling calls a “bad girl.”
What are you thinking about? Is it a junkie strung out on drugs desperate for her next fix, a trashy streetwalker, a woman on the prowl engaging in dangerous one night stands, a gal with no self control unable to say “NO” having lots of indiscriminate sex, the image of the other woman who can’t get off unless she’s with some other woman’s man or maybe you’re thinking that enjoying more sex means that you would have to seek validation outside of yourself and give away pieces of your self esteem to your partner. Not so. If these are the images that you have when you think about having more sex and making it badder and juicier and hotter and better for you, either alone or with a partner, than it’s no wonder that the “good girl” in you has kept you at arm’s distance in fear, prohibiting you from getting to know your “bad girl” self.
The street walker, junkie, sex addict and the husband stealing man-eater are most definitely not role models for women seeking to find greater self acceptance and wanting to find a place on the path to lovin’ the skin they’re in. They are examples of women who act out emotional pain through having sex. These are examples of women who need professional help. In the same way as saying “No” to others means saying “Yes” to yourself, you have to love your body and feel good about yourself and your body in order to start moving towards feeling safe around being “bad.”