Self Reflection: It's Not Them, It's Me

When you look at the re-occurring scenarios in your life what patterns do you recognize and what do you think is the guilty culprit?
Our lives are strongly connected to a current through which our law of attraction flows. Downstream we find all sorts of things, some trash, some treasure – all lessons. We’re at all times attracting something into our lives, and if you’re tempted to yawn, roll your eyes, or silently think here we go with what may appear as the newly discovered word ‘vibration’- I was at one point right there with you.
When we’re honest with ourselves we will own that we hold others prisoners for our own troubles and often miss the moment that is revealing something about ourselves. Reality check. Say Out Loud: It’s not them, It’s Me!
My closest friends, as you so often heard me say are some of the fiercest guys and gals I know. Though very different in personality type, the delivery of the response is usually on the same beat…I’m here to listen and provide a shoulder, but you’ve got to own your role in the story, grow and let it go. That comes with a very direct and honest approach and I so love them for it. I found myself furious recently that a very dear friend of mine lied to me. You have to be very close to me for that to dig deep beneath the layers and make me furious. I felt my cheeks get hot and the lining of my stomach become queasy just a tad. I was so angry that the first tear got stuck in thought mode but was held captive by rage. Instantly heading into my dismissive comfort zone, I strategized cutting them off, politely setting them straight and moving into my silent corner. My internal amen corner was filled with thoughts of how many times I had been there for them and extended an arm, shoulder, and whatever they needed when life had kicked them to their knees. How could they? The audacity.
Nothing like a night’s sleep to romance the flames of anger and I woke up with a few thoughts I had to put into an email and send immediately. Never harsh, as I won’t be apologizing but very clear and factual with the purpose of making someone who hurt me as affected by my words as I was by their actions. No profanity and no all caps, bullet points inserted when needed. The internal flame calms, and as the day progressed I became willing to hear another perspective that would prevent me, or at the least pause my arrival down the slippery slope into bitter-ville.  By no coincidence two blogs I follow drop in my inbox with the message of forgiveness and the need to come to terms with the fact that the world and life is not out to get us, everything that happens in our lives somehow comes together for our greater good.  I reached out to two friends to hash this out on text messaging before I boil over, and though they don’t know each other their responses were the same, just in different words. The fab femme who I often tap when I am fuming over something or something someone did said a few things I thought simply profound: “People don’t owe you anything. What is the real issue that this person represents in your life? It’s not them, but something you struggle with that they represent”. My AHA moment might have had me screaming at the phone:
Trust. I have trust issues and I struggle with forgiveness. Going beneath the surface with others makes me nervous and uncomfortable and my silent disclaimer in all my relationships is that I will let you in as long as you don’t lie to me or hurt me. I fear that trust will lead to me getting hurt. Where forgiveness is concerned, I will say the words “I forgive you” but I keep you at such a safe distance and whatever the nature of our relationship it seldom grows beyond that point. We’ll be surface communicating, but not growing.
AHA: That is the vibration that I send out. Hence the very things I don’t want to happen, do. The Law of Attraction pulls from either our tanks of fear or our tanks of faith. Which one is being filled? It cannot attract anything other than what your vibration is transmitting.
As I typed this to her, her response made me smile, kinda. “You have some fun work to do”. Who knew that my hour on a therapists couch could be replaced by a 30 minute text session with two friends who are thankfully not enablers who agree with my victim-valley-moments, but instead push me to be a better communicator, release the toxicity and grow?
We consider ourselves to be forgiving and loving until we get tested in that area and potentially meet face to face with our own resistance to forgive, let go and love. The irony. And it waits. Waits for you to choose how you move forward, whether free or locked down with baggage, it’s our choice to make. Each second that we inhale and exhale we choose how we will spend our next minute on this earth. Will we choose to live or merely be alive? Will we really let go, or will we consider mastering the ‘act’ of forgiveness: mouthing the words “I forgive you” but on the inside the silent but deadly vibration is sending a different message. The gratification felt from ‘punishing’ someone else steals the freedom of life that we’re born with and keeps us behind bars. The past happened as it did because it was supposed to. Time heals wounds, but it requires work and a commitment to be honest with yourself and others. It takes time and patience, but slow and steady brings you to a place of authenticity – the act of forgiveness is replaced by  a free soul set in forward motion, which only happens when you free others from the prison you have placed them in.
Being dismissive I have learned doesn’t force me to deal with the issue at hand, instead it’s putting the blame on another source and validating the act of walking away from what’s on the surface rather than signing up to do the real work of getting to the root. It gives me this false sense of pride in being right and making someone else wrong. When I revisit other ‘like’ scenarios, I see the repetition – the faces may be different, but the common denominator (me), and the outcome remains the same.
Stand still and listen for a moment as the universe whispers the lesson it keeps coming back to teach. Remember: It’s not them, it’s me. What is this moment, as unfortunate as it may be, revealing to me about myself, my beliefs, my fears and yes, my vibration?
Are you willing to set others free from the blame game and commit to doing the work by facing the real issue(s)? If not, know this to be true. Hurt people, hurt people. Issues left unresolved will often cause us to repeat the very thing that we become victim to.

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 Autumn / Winter 2020

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